Lord of the Spoofs
by InMemoriam
Summary: Just harmless fun! Picking at the movie and making fun of the characters!
1. Default Chapter

Chapter one  
  
  
Gandalf: Hold out your hand, Frodo.  
Frodo: (looks at him)  
Gandalf: It's quite cool.  
Frodo:(screams in pain) AAAAHHHH!!!! It burns! It burns!  
(Ring clangs to the floor)  
Frodo: Well would you look at that- I'VE GOT A BLOODY HOLE IN MY HAND AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(Gandalf tells Frodo about Gollum and Barad-Dur and all that good stuff- Shire Baggins)  
Frodo: Shire? Baggins? But that will lead them here!  
Gandalf: You JUST figured that out?  
  
  
(The one everyone's been waiting for- Boromir's Death Scene!)  
Boromir: I would have followed you my brother. My captain. My king.  
(dies)  
Aragorn: Be at peace, son of Gondor.  
(Boromir floats off in the boat and as it goes over Rauros-falls you hear) But I'm not dead YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!  
Legolas: If he wasn't dead then, he sure as heck should be dead now.  
  
Gimli: If anyone were to ask my opinion- which I note they have not- I'd say-  
Legolas: SHUT UP YOU MORONIC DWARF! NO ONE GIVES A *censored* WHAT YOU SAY!  
Gimli:(mutters) Prissy elf...  
Legolas: (arches eyebrow) I heard that.  
  
Legolas:(singing) I can see what's happening.  
Gimli:What?  
Legolas: And they don't have a clue.  
Gimli: Who?  
Legolas: They'll fall in love and here's the bottom line- our trio's down to two.  
Gimli: Oh. Who's the other person?  
Legolas: Aragorn you idiot.  
Gimli: Oh.  
Legolas; The sweet caress of twilight. There's magic in the air-  
Gimli: That's probably Gandalf's fault. Do you know what he did to me the other day because I-  
Legolas:(strained)And with all this romantic atmosphere- disaster's in the air.  
Boromir:(looking up expectantly) Kill me now. Please kill me now. Just snuff my life out.  
Frodo:(Sam, Pip and Merry vocalize in the background)(Frodo squeaks) Can you feel the love tonight? The peace the evening brings. The world for once in perfect harmony with all it's living things.  
Aragorn:So many things to tell her but how to make her see? The fact that I'm human- impossible! She'd turn away from me.  
Boromir:AAAAAHHHHHH!!!! It's hideous! What is that thing?(Arwen hits him upside the head)  
Arwen: He's holding back he's hiding- but what I can't decide. Why won't he be the king I know he is- the king I see inside? Frodo:Can you feel the love tonight? The peace the evening brings? The world for once in perfect harmony with all it's living things. (That lovely key change) Can you feel the love tonight? You needn't look too far. Stealing through the night's uncertainty, love is where they are.  
Boromir: Did anyone ever tell you that you can't sing?  
Legolas: And if he falls in love tonight-  
Boromir: And neither can you.  
Gimli: (blows his nose)  
Boromir: EWW!! Gross!  
Legolas: It can be assum- assoomed- assumade-  
Boromir: Dumbass.  
Gandalf:(slowly) Assumed.  
Legolas: Assumed.  
Boromir: Good job, three year old. Gimli: His stressful days with us are history  
Aragorn: THANK YOU ERU!  
Both: In short our pal is doomed.  
Boromir: Who me or Aragorn?  
(Legolas takes out his bow and shoots Boromir in the head)  
Gimli: I mean come on- he's gettin' married.  
Arwen's voice: I resent that!  
Gimli: I don't give a rat's behind she-elf!  
Legolas: You don't care about what Gimli, darling?  
Gimli:(inches away slowly)  
  
Pippin runs into someone and looks up. Then he stands up- he still has to look up. Then he runs away screaming when he sees who the figure is.  
Dobby: Peregrin Took doesn't like me? Dang it! I knows thing Ring's going to be destroyed! Oops. (grabs Frodo's sword, starts hitting himself over the head with it)Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby!  
  
Sam is under water. Frodo pulls him out and into the boat.  
Frodo: Sam? Sam? Bloody hell Sam if you don't wake up I WILL use mouth-to-mouth!  
Sam:(coughs and sputters)You were saying?  
Frodo; I thought so. 


	2. Evil

Chapter Two-Evil  
  
This is an e-mail I sent to my friend one time when I liked the guy mentioned in it. Two things- One I no longer like the guy and two, I was hyper. Oh speaking of hyper I am right now cause I'm gonna be a big sis in two weeks! I just found out today!  
  
I am starting to think Fred is crazy... (goes off muttering to self something about "My precious...") But cool pictureses-pictures. I likes them (hee hee hee) preciouis pictures... MINE!!! MINE!! MINE!!!  
-Arwen ( is a bit detained right now)  
In the background you hear a scuffling of feet then a wicked cackle  
HA! HA! HA! MY PRECIOUS!!! MY PRECIOUSSSSSSSSSSS...............  
(falls into the Cracks of Doom)  
Frodo: Let's split!  
Sam: Yes, sir! You betcha!  
(Frodo gets distracted and falls into the Cracks of Doom. You hear a trailing "Ooooooppppppsssss!!!!!!AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" Sam realizes what happened)  
Sam: (throwing himself into the Cracks of Doom) I'm comin' Mr. FrodoOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!  
(Enter Aragorn, Gandalf, Legolas, Gimli, Merry, Pippin and a zombie Boromir)  
Aragorn: No! They were supposed to live! I must rescue them!(throws himself into the Cracks of Doom. Legolas is about to say something but Arwen runs onto the scene screaming bloody murder at Aragorn and jumps into the Cracks. Pretty soon everyone from the fellowship is throwing themselves into the Cracks of Doom and the Cracks, overstuffed, explodes sending Middle Earth into the second darkness the fellowship was trying to prevent from coming.)  
Where is Gollum in all this? you may ask.  
My Precioussssss........... gollum......... I is ruler of Middle Earth now....... ha ha ha ha........  
(Anyway Gollum traipses around near the edge of the Cracks and pretty soon, traipses right off the edge like all the other blundering idiots of Middle Earth.)  
I just wanted to get that out because I figured I gotta hate on LotR sometime and why not get it out NOW?  
-Valerie( I can't be Arwen right now- she's in the Cracks) (Speaking of which I believe I have finally cracked- see you at school tomorrow...)  
  
  
Here is another e-mail sent to the same friend. Note: This was before I stopped liking the guy. Another note: I luv LotR so much my friends call me Arwen and I call my friends Galadriel, Goldberry, Tinuviel, Eowyn, etc.  
  
Galadriel-  
  
I am probably boring you immensely but my dad got the movie for me today. He bought it last night right in front of me and I didn't know it(so much for elf wisdom- its a cheap scam) Im just kidding but I just wanted to tell someone besides my dad that it's my precious... Hehehe... I is never letting precious go again....  
  
-Gollum  
  
(You hear a struggle and then)  
  
No Gollum! Down bad hobbit-like-thing-corrupted-by-the-ring! It's my movie. ARAGORN! (Fred comes running in, Anduril drawn. He attacks Gollum)  
  
Down Gollum! Down or I shall hew your head from your neck like an orc!  
  
(Gollum retreats and jumps off a cliff)  
  
Oh thank you Aragorn!  
  
No problem Arwen.  
  
(They kiss)  
  
(How sick are my twisted little fantasies? But as Bilbo Baggins says "The Road goes ever ever on, down from the door where it began, now far ahead the Road has gond and I must follow if I can...")  
  
-Arwen  
  
Anyway Review Review Review! And there will be even more evil in the next chapter if I get enough reviews by Jan 1!   
-stridersgurlarwen 


	3. Boromir says Nope! and attack of the son...

Chapter Three- Boromir says "Nope!" and attack of the song parodies  
  
Okay- this popped into my head out of absolutely nowhere. I was playing Scattergories with my mum and I thought it up.  
  
Frodo:(looks up and notices Boromir is watching him)Are you watching me Boromir?  
Boromir: Nope!  
Frodo: I think you are.  
Boromir: Nope!  
Frodo: Are you going to say anything else?  
Boromir: Nope!  
Frodo: Are you going to chase me?  
Boromir: Nope!  
Frodo: Are you (grimaces) in love with me? Boromir:(disgustedly)Nope!  
Frodo: Do you like girls?  
Boromir: Nope!  
Frodo: Do you like guys? Boromir: Nope!   
Frodo:(gets an idea) Are you going to attack me to get the Ring, thus causing our little Fellowship to split up into three different parties?  
Boromir: Nope!  
Later...  
Boromir: Give me the Ring! Frodo: Nope!  
stridersgurlarwen: (slaps forehead)Idiot.....  
  
Frodo walks across what looks like a farm and sits on a wagon. The camera zooms in and he starts singing (I luv making Frodo sing- can't help it sorry) Note: I think this song sort of embodies Frodo's desperation to be rid of the Ring- if you find it funny that's okay with me and if you don't thats fine too.  
  
Somewhere over the rainbow Way up high There's a land that I heard of Once in a lullaby   
Somewhere over the rainbow Skies are blue And the dreams that you dare to dream Really do come true   
Some day I'll wish upon a star And wake up where the clouds are far behind me Where troubles melt like lemondrops Away above the chimney tops That's where you'll find me   
Somewhere over the rainbow Bluebirds fly Birds fly over the rainbow Why then, oh why can't I? Some day I'll wish upon a star And wake up where the clouds are far behind me Where troubles melt like lemondrops Away above the chimney tops That's where you'll find me   
Somewhere over the rainbow Bluebirds fly Birds fly over the rainbow Why then, oh why can't I?   
If happy little bluebirds fly Beyond the rainbow Why, oh why can't I?  
______________  
  
Gimli gets up to do a song number. Suddenly someone yells:  
  
Run away! Run away!(Monty Python- gotta love'im)  
  
And Gimli is left standing in an empty room.  
  
_______________  
  
One day as I was watching Lord of the Rings I realized something. You know the look Lurtz gets on his face when he shoots Boromir(all times)? This is what he's thinking(he's also thinking it when he's fighting Aragorn)-  
  
WHY WON'T YOU THINGS DIE?!  
  
_______________  
  
Merry and Pippin, extremely drunk, climb upon a table at Bree and begin singing.   
Merry:Twinkle Twinkle little star how I wonder what you are Up above the world so *hic* high like a diamond in the sky Twinkle Twinkle little star how I wonder what you are *hic*  
Pippin: Twinkle Twinkle little *hic* bat how I wonder what you're at Up above *hic* the world you fly Like a tea tray in the sky  
Merry: Tha's not how it goes!  
Pippin: 'S how I *hic* learnt it!  
  
Bilbo: I'd like to sing a song. It's called... uh.. anyway it's a good song  
  
Hey diddle diddle...uh  
the cat with the fiddle  
the cow jumped over the moon... er..  
the little dog laughed to see such fun and the dish ran off with.. uh. ran off with...(thinks hard)  
Frodo's girlfriend! Yes I think that's right.  
Frodo:(giving death glares to Bilbo)  
  
  
Author's Note: I'd like to than the following peeps: Whispers of a Nameless fear, me'n'legolas, GoddessOfChaos(Watersprite1989), Exiled-Knight, The Soup Nazis, Madeleine541, Elf of Sirannon, Feoenix Phyre(love the reversal), LotR-junkie and Vix! And I'd like to thank battgirl-93041 for congradulating me on my little siblings-to-be! Luv you all! And celesgurlgaladriel( I think) better get her butt over here and read this cause she's one of my best friends and i told her about this! 


End file.
